When I read Harry Potter the first time, it was 2003 and the first five books were out. Normally I don't like to start a series until the books are all out. But I had a toddler, a baby, and a mom in a coma. They were my escape from some harsh realities at the time.
I hated so many things in the books but I couldn't stop ploughing through them.
I was reading the story with fresh eyes and a serious lack of understanding.
But when I reached the last book years later, and experienced the plot twist, that I still feel was one of the best, I nearly died.
J.K. Rowling had worked me exquisitely.
I should have known.
Dumbledore trusted him and so should I have.
But I didn't.
I literally had to close my book and feel everything as I heaved and sobbed.
I was overwhelmed with guilt for the feelings I'd had.
The plain and simple truth was that I hated Snape a little bit. I'd always seen the struggling and tortured child who grew to be a detached and angry man, but I didn't see the rest of him.
I thought he was a bully and weak and bitter. I'd glimpsed the tip of the iceberg, not realizing the depth she'd written.
In the moments where I met the real Severus, I fell in love with the character and the story and his anguish. And I adored the pain in my chest upon meeting him, finally.
I fell in love with his strength.
His life had never actually been lived.
His journey had hardly began when Lily, his true love died. And instead of moving on and living a life, he spent his last years protecting her son. The son she had with a man who made Severus the man he had became.
You see I hated James Potter as much as I hated Severus, no more. He too was a cruel bully who got away with being terrible to weak people, and only because he was on the right side. He picked on the socially awkward.
I'm socially awkward.
And then the movies happened.
Alan Rickman brought to life the man I'd barely been able to imagine. How I saw him and how he was when Alan portrayed him, couldn't even compare.
I will forever remember this brilliant actor as if he was my friend. Not because I knew him but because he helped me know someone very important to me.
And because he was Colonel Brandon who I loved more than anyone. Except Captain Wentworth.
I hate that he is gone.